13 Ways to Help Your Emotions Age Gracefully Age proofing our emotionsWith the ubiquitousness of anti-aging regimens to help our bodies, do you ever wonder if there are any age-defying routines for our emotions? I dash into Target to grab a bottle of my favorite anti-wrinkle serum, wishing, 'If only I could buy some bottle of potion to rejuvenate my soul as well as my skin!' My body feels pretty great for six decades of use, but sometimes my psyche feels the strain. Can a mom of 5 get an 'Amen?' The classic Rolling Stones’ song, ‘Time is on Our Side’ belies the brutal truth. Time relentlessly marches on and leaves its mark on our faces, bodies ...and emotions. But there's hope! Psychologists suggest ways to keep our emotions rejuvenated and subtle.
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Advice from a wife who's still in love after 40 years! 25+ Tips to help foster marriage harmony I’m amazed and proud. This year marks 40 years of a lasting love connection with my husband. And in honor of our four decades, I’ve put together what I consider to be a 'master class' list of 24 pieces of choice marriage advice as well as some artful happy-marriage reminders for your home. Plus, just scroll to the bottom for 45 additional marriage tips! 1. Accept your spouse 'as is' Accept your spouse for who they are, not for who you want them to be. Draw a circle around yourself and say out loud, ' This is the only person in my life I can really change.' 2. Invest in counseling We bring ‘baggage’ from our past into marriage. Unpacking it with a professional is the best investment you can make in the health of your marriage relationship. A good counsellor can help identify toxic patterns, discover new ways to resolve conflicts, and build bonds of trust, all in a safe, neutral location. 3. Assume the Best Assume the best in one another. Make a decision to believe your partner is doing their best. Remember “their best” doesn’t mean perfection. It means you give them the benefit of the doubt that in a situation they’re doing the best they can at that moment in time. 4. Beware of entropy Relationships require a commitment to continued tending. Beware of entropy. Never underestimate the power of doing things like being generous, showing appreciation, and saying thank you. 5. Value flexibility Life throws unexpected curve balls. Know the importance of flexibility and adaptability, remembering you and your spouse are a team. 6. Be curious Growth in marriage requires curiosity. Being curious together can result in learning experiences that strengthen your relationship. If we’re willing to learn from our mistakes as they relate to our partner’s needs and desires, we’ll thrive. 7. Learn how to leave arguments Disagreements are unavoidable in any marriage. However, one defining aspect of a strong, healthy marriage is the ability to move past a fight. Learning how to leave an argument and come back to the table afterwards is vital. Talking about what happened and owning your part creates trust. 8. Remember your commitmentConsider putting your vows into bullet points. Regularly do some gestures to support each point. When you’ve gone through them all, start over. Familiarity and routine has a way of blurring our initial commitment. 9. They're not mind readers Your beloved is not a mind reader. And neither are you. It's much better to calmly and respectfully say what's bothering you. Don't expect the other person to read your mind; that's immature and selfish. 10. Protect your marriage Treasure, protect and nurture your marriage by surrounding yourself with friends who strengthen and fortify your relationship. Your friends influence your marriage more than you realize. Prints of 'Love Always' are available as : Posters, prints, throw pillows, totes, shower curtains 11. Keep the central focus Create an imaginary circle around your marriage. As kids come on the scene, make sure your relationship remains the central focus. Remember, you were "man and wife" before "mom and dad." Commit to the goal of regularly reconnecting - walk, chat on the porch, play a board game. Just connect. 12. Make sex a priority Make time for sex a regular priority. Put it on your schedule and stick to it. Just like other self-care activities (e.g.exercise) if you don’t block time out in your schedule, it’s likely not going to happen. Rather than this putting a damper on things, most couples actually say that when they schedule sex, they actually anticipate alone time more. So in reality, it’s not as un-sexy as it sounds. 13. Commit to self care It’s easy to lose yourself in the flurry of family life. Attend to yourself. Whether it’s taking a course, revisiting a hobby, or just a bubble bath, you’ll be a better spouse and parent. 14. You're on the same team Remember you are both on the same team when kids' tantrums take over. Stay steady and keep calm. Develop a ‘tag-out’ system or code word/hand signal that you and your spouse can use, that signals your need to cool off. Giving each other breaks through the epic season of crying fits helps preserve energy levels. Mutual support fortifies bonds. 15. Verbalize appreciation Feeling appreciated is like oxygen in a relationship. Raising kids, working, keeping the house together and all the other balls that need to be juggled is a monumental task. One of the biggest dissatisfactions in a marriage is feeling unappreciated. Praise is the fuel in our gas tanks that give us the mojo to face another day of parenting. 16. Don't get lost A lot of parents feel they lose their identities after having kids, but committing to a pursuit of individual interests fortifies the emotional reserves that can actually strengthen your relationship. 17. Accept parenting differences You and your spouse aren’t going to parent the same - you’re two different individuals. Expect differences and know that it is far better to accept them than to fight and hurt the relationship. There is so much we could simply let slide off our backs. Keep the big picture in mind. 18. Know the love languages Use the resource, The Five Love Languages, to understand each other more deeply. Quality time, physical touch, receiving gifts, words of affirmation or acts of service - you both have one of these as a predominant way love is felt. Take the quiz here, if you’d like. Knowing yours — and discovering your partner’s (it may be surprising!) — helps you know how to best make each other feel good. 19. Do new things together There’s something particularly bonding to learn together. Even if it’s something small, like trying a new restaurant or creating a playlist for each other’s commute, it’s so nice to shake things up. 20. Create small rituals Small gestures of gratitude or pockets of chatting shared throughout the day go a long way. Find small ways to be intimate in everyday moments like a morning goodbye kiss, holding hands when sitting next to one another, or rubbing one another’s back. Develop a habit of regularly expressing gratitude for all your spouse does. Do small things for each other-they add up and act as a buffer when things get tough. 21. Remember little things Little things are really big! Do you recall your partner offhandedly mentioning their liking for something? Maybe it was a particular candy or a snack. When you have an opportunity to give it to your partner, you’ll show that you were listening and you care. 22. Show interest Showing interest and trying to enter into one another's orbit, communicates 'I love you enough to value what you value.’ 23. Increase appreciation Let’s be honest. Sometimes in marriage “familiarity breeds contempt.” When you’ve been with someone a while it’s easy to focus on the things that bother you. But harboring feelings of resentment or animosity only sabotages your relationship. Make a conscious decision to notice all the things you love about your spouse instead of honing in on what frustrates you. Increase appreciation. Lower expectations. 24. Reconnect and talkReconnect and talk. This is the best overall piece of marriage advice. Rinse and repeat. And keep going and growing. 25. Keep giving love nudges Here's even more great marriage tips!
45 Longtime Couples Share the Marriage Tip That's Kept Them Together There are good reasons these couples have made it so long together! And speaking personally, I can attest to the power of these principles. Know that your union can grow, thrive and enrich over time as well. 9 Ways Empathy Improves Our Connections I am a shy by nature But I've learned a secret that's helped transcend timidity - focusing attention on the other person. Instead of obsessing about myself, I consciously concentrate on showing interest by listening. I practice tuning in with empathy. This one habit has been a life-changer. I'm still hard wired as an introvert, but learning to shift my absorption outward frees me from the limitations shyness tries to impose. At the end of this post I share nine specific ways you can use empathy to enrich your interactions and deepen conversations. Awkward and self conscious I spent my youth feeling self-conscious, uncomfortable, timid, and insecure. Like most personality traits, the roots of my awkwardness traces back to childhood experiences. Embarrassed by a birth defect At the age of 5 I had my right thumb amputated. A birth defect prevented the thumb bone's formation as well as muscle development. Doctors proposed severing the limp tissue, explaining to my parents that removing the 'awkward' appendage would prevent the dangling flesh from being accidentally caught or harmed. A sad negative narrative In those formative years, I attached a negative narrative to my unusual appearance and internalizing the doctor's assessment - I had an 'awkward' appearance. Because I had difficulty accepting myself, I believed others wouldn't accept me either. Our common bonds Thankfully, over time, I began changing my internal story and slowly re-writing my narrative. I woke up to the fact that all of us has some awkwardly perceived 'imperfection.' And everyone wants to be accepted, seen and heard in spite of them. The secret to easy conversation This was my 'Ah ha' moment. I began seeing magic happen when I focused my attention on the other person instead of worrying about myself. I could over-ride my insecurities. I could take the path leading to conversational ease instead of awkward silence. Of course, volumes have been written about this, but, to me, it was new and powerful. Because I learned the power of being other-centered instead of me-centered, I've been able to host art exhibitions, give artist talks and facilitate creative events successfully. The secret is offering empathy. Empathy enables me to be attuned to another's perspective or emotional state. Empathy is a super power. It's definition explains why: "Empathy- the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner." “Empathy dissolves alienation.” –Carl Rogers Here's a great little video from The School of Life about empathy and its magical relational powers. Empathy is our bridge for greater connection. What Is Empathic Listening? When you listen with empathy you get to tune in to another's emotional frequency. You can get in touch with their needs and make them feel heard. Empathic listening flings open a window to the other person's inner world. It creates a safe space where they feel they can share anything without having to worry about criticism. When empathy is the bridge that brings two people together, words become less important. It proves that what matters most is the connection between them. What Empathic Listening is NOT! Being an empathetic listener does NOT mean you have to agree with everything that's said. It only requires an effort to understand the other person's perspective. It just involves an attitude of respect. Empathy can be an acquired skill We may not be naturally born empaths. Not everyone finds it easy to identify, and resonate with other people’s emotions. But we certainly can learn the skill and move toward increasing our empathetic capacity. Does your home need some inspiration?9 Ways to Train Your Empathetic Ear It’s impossible to create an emotional bond when you’re checking your phone! To make sure someone feels safe and welcome with you, adopt a relaxed body posture with open arms and solid eye contact. The secret to authentic listening is understanding that the conversation's not about you; it's about the other person. Be present in the conversation. Ignore any distractions and focus on the person in front of you. Refrain from evaluating or criticizing. Just listen with an attempt to understand. Listen to what's being said and then rephrase and restate the core thoughts. ‘Fuel’ the conversation by gently asking open-ended questions to create opportunities for sharing further feelings. The worst thing you can do is offer unsolicited advice when you’re looking to establish an emotional connection in a conversation. Occasional moments of silence can be a powerful tool in establishing an authentic connection. I'm certainly no Barbara Walters when it comes to fearless conversations, but I've come a long way! And developing my 'empathy muscle' has made my progress enjoyable and rewarding. Of these 9 ways to create more empathetic conversations, the ones I'm still working on are #8 and #9. It's sooo tempting to blurt out opinions and advice! And holding a space for stillness is tricky too. But, I'm determined to keep practicing. Practice makes...better conversations! How about you? It it easy to hold your tongue? Are you comfortable with the pregnant, silent pauses?
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